In a Perfect World, would fate lead us to our one true love?
Are we destined to meet our one true love? Does fate really get the credit for creating our life partnership? Is there one person out there for each of us?
Twenty years ago, my answer would have been yes, yes, and absolutely! Well, now I am not so sure. Can a lifetime partnership be as easy as "it was meant to be", "it was love at first sight"? Not only do I question this on my experience with love and marriage, but also based on the marriages of friends. I have friends whose marriages I admire that are strong and solid. However, I know that these relationships have not always been easy. My friends work hard at their marriages from what I can see and it is well worth it. What my friends have is commitment with a partner who shares similar interests and life values. A commitment that requires work and constant attention. My friends should feel proud of what they have accomplished as couples, not discouraged by the work relationships can take sometimes.
In my previous "perfect" world, there was "meant to be" and "love at first sight". Having learned to embrace imperfection, my eyes have been opened to a world filled with potential partners. Men I may come across who share similar interests and values as me. However, that is not enough to base a marriage on, at least not enough for me. For me creating a life partnership is about making a commitment to grow together, to build a life together, to allow one another room for their individual beings as well as time for the "couple". A bond that can only get stronger in time as it endures the challenges and struggles of two people putting their lives together as well as the celebrations of love, friendship, and companionship.
If "meant to be" and "love at first sight" were true to me, I would have been in big trouble as every boy I ever dated was "the one". I have a knack for falling in love fast and hard. Not that I didn't love guy I dated and the one I married, but back then I didn't think about the lifetime partnership piece. I thought about happily ever after without realizing the work that takes! I thought about perfection without embracing the imperfect. I thought about perfect wedding, perfect house, perfect family without analyzing whether or not this person qualified for the position of life partner for me. Were we truly a good match for long term commitment? I never asked myself this question in any of my long term relationships because I didn't think I had to. I figured lifetime commitment would just happen, but it didn't happen with college boyfriend one, two, or three. And I am okay with that now. I had more to learn about me and because of college boyfriend one, two, and three, I have and I am still going.
I've been lucky to learn from every relationship I've had. I do not regret any. In fact if proximity and other things allowed, I would still be friends with every guy I ever dated as I found joy in all of my relationships, at least during the high points.;) And the low times? Those happen. It's part of imperfect relationships. I've come to learn I don't regret those either, well at least I accept those parts and forgive. The highs and lows of previous relationships have taught me much about myself and what I want from the relationship I do end up having for a lifetime, not one that is "meant to be", but rather one in which he and I decide we want to work towards and commit to a life together.
For me, my perfect world doesn't include "the one", my imperfect world opens me up to possibilities to work towards a fulfilling, loving, equal relationship with the man who will become the "one". For those of you who have found that match and have made it work, I toast to you. I admire you and I learn from you. Take the time to acknowledge and honor the work, commitment, and time you and your partner have put into your fulfilling marriage/ relationship. Hats off to you!
I am not single because I haven't met "Mr. Right" yet. I am not expecting him to show up on my doorstep one day soon. I am single because I had more growing to do before I could be in the "happily ever after" relationship and I suspect that when I do meet "Mr. Right", he will already have been a part of my life for some time. Fate won't deliver him to me. He and I will work together and decide if we have what it takes to form a life partnership with one another.
Maybe you feel differently? Would love to hear your thoughts on this.
Twenty years ago, my answer would have been yes, yes, and absolutely! Well, now I am not so sure. Can a lifetime partnership be as easy as "it was meant to be", "it was love at first sight"? Not only do I question this on my experience with love and marriage, but also based on the marriages of friends. I have friends whose marriages I admire that are strong and solid. However, I know that these relationships have not always been easy. My friends work hard at their marriages from what I can see and it is well worth it. What my friends have is commitment with a partner who shares similar interests and life values. A commitment that requires work and constant attention. My friends should feel proud of what they have accomplished as couples, not discouraged by the work relationships can take sometimes.
In my previous "perfect" world, there was "meant to be" and "love at first sight". Having learned to embrace imperfection, my eyes have been opened to a world filled with potential partners. Men I may come across who share similar interests and values as me. However, that is not enough to base a marriage on, at least not enough for me. For me creating a life partnership is about making a commitment to grow together, to build a life together, to allow one another room for their individual beings as well as time for the "couple". A bond that can only get stronger in time as it endures the challenges and struggles of two people putting their lives together as well as the celebrations of love, friendship, and companionship.
If "meant to be" and "love at first sight" were true to me, I would have been in big trouble as every boy I ever dated was "the one". I have a knack for falling in love fast and hard. Not that I didn't love guy I dated and the one I married, but back then I didn't think about the lifetime partnership piece. I thought about happily ever after without realizing the work that takes! I thought about perfection without embracing the imperfect. I thought about perfect wedding, perfect house, perfect family without analyzing whether or not this person qualified for the position of life partner for me. Were we truly a good match for long term commitment? I never asked myself this question in any of my long term relationships because I didn't think I had to. I figured lifetime commitment would just happen, but it didn't happen with college boyfriend one, two, or three. And I am okay with that now. I had more to learn about me and because of college boyfriend one, two, and three, I have and I am still going.
I've been lucky to learn from every relationship I've had. I do not regret any. In fact if proximity and other things allowed, I would still be friends with every guy I ever dated as I found joy in all of my relationships, at least during the high points.;) And the low times? Those happen. It's part of imperfect relationships. I've come to learn I don't regret those either, well at least I accept those parts and forgive. The highs and lows of previous relationships have taught me much about myself and what I want from the relationship I do end up having for a lifetime, not one that is "meant to be", but rather one in which he and I decide we want to work towards and commit to a life together.
For me, my perfect world doesn't include "the one", my imperfect world opens me up to possibilities to work towards a fulfilling, loving, equal relationship with the man who will become the "one". For those of you who have found that match and have made it work, I toast to you. I admire you and I learn from you. Take the time to acknowledge and honor the work, commitment, and time you and your partner have put into your fulfilling marriage/ relationship. Hats off to you!
I am not single because I haven't met "Mr. Right" yet. I am not expecting him to show up on my doorstep one day soon. I am single because I had more growing to do before I could be in the "happily ever after" relationship and I suspect that when I do meet "Mr. Right", he will already have been a part of my life for some time. Fate won't deliver him to me. He and I will work together and decide if we have what it takes to form a life partnership with one another.
Maybe you feel differently? Would love to hear your thoughts on this.
Great blog Becky. I now feel that I am with the "one" and have been for 3 years now. My previous relationship required a lot of "work" as you called it and I now know that what I have now is not work. Its was fate that I found the person who I am with now and I don't consider our relationship "work" but just a pleasure to be with her. I feel that everything does happen for a reason but we should listen to ourselves rather than what society believes is a "good relationship" and all that Christian gray bull crap. Sorry about rambling on. Great post!
ReplyDeleteThe thing is, my relationship has always been easy. Could it be because he is "the one"? What if my children are my soulmates. Do you have just one? Each relationship can set you up for finding that one person that you go through life with.
ReplyDeleteLove the comments ladies! Keep them coming and thanks for reading:)
ReplyDeleteBecky, I like your writing. So very honest and self-reflective. I am another evaluating what makes a good relationship after the end of a marriage (an 18 year, comfortable, we will be together forever until we weren't, marriage). I think the word work carries a negative feeling or vibe for most. Ugh, it's work!!! I like the word attention. I think people in strong relationships pay attention to each other, to the likes, dislikes, efforts, opinions, feelings, and all. I guess he or she is "the one" when you aren't interested in still looking for another one. :)
ReplyDeleteI like the word attention too Tara. Thanks for that. I am loving these insights from others on love. I only have my own experience to go by, its great to hear what others have experienced.
ReplyDeleteAre you familiar with Wabi-Sabi... great philosophy... embracing imperfections...
ReplyDeletelove this blog entry...
I too like Tara's decision to better describe it as "attention" Having said that I would by lying if I said sometimes marriage does feel more like work than attention. But during those times if I am most honest with myself it feels like work because I am usually being too judgmental and expecting too much. I don't believe in fate I believe in choices. Every moment I spend wishing something were different is a moment wasted. Every time I look across the room and see the amazing man that decided with me to be partners in what time we are allotted in this life I think hell yes you are my man.
ReplyDelete