What's so hard about being kind, listening, and following directions when you're 4?
Be Kind. Listen. Follow Directions.
My son, Jack (now 4) has been hearing me recite these three expectations since he was 2. "Jack, remember Mommy expects you to be kind, listen, and follow directions" I would say to him when I dropped him off at daycare, headed to a friend's house, or embarked on an outing. I could clearly see in my mind, a "pre-teen Jack" sitting in the back seat of the car as I drop him off for his first middle school dance, rolling his eyes, and grunting the words, "I know Mom; be kind, listen, and follow directions". I should consider myself so lucky if I truly believe he'd even mumble the word kind at that point in his life.
However, at Jack's age of 2, I decided to put to work a little "magic" I had learned in my training as educator/ counselor. I thought at the time, "I can handle the "terrible twos", it's all about positive discipline". That easy, right? So I went forth with great enthusiasm and developed my 3 main expectations for Jack that you can probably recite by now. Be Kind. Listen. Follow Directions. I prided myself in that Jack could recite these back to me and for a 2 year old, displayed these expectations rather consistently. "Wow! This whole parenting thing was a breeze"!!
Well, a 'breeze' until I learned 3 had become the new 2. A little testing here and there, a slight resistance to sharing, and a bit of selective hearing. I found myself still reciting, "be kind. listen. follow directions", however, there was a bit more urgency in my voice as I willed him with my eyes, voice, and facial expression to "do as I say". And if 3 is truly the new 2, Jack didn't do so bad. A little rough until he reached 3 1/2 and then he was acting like "the Jack I know, the one who is kind, listens, and follows directions" (another one of those "positive discipline" phrases).
Now we are at Jack, age 4. This seems to be the age of new found independence, a desire to make decisions, and an expectation that adults will do what you want when you want (kind of what we think our children should do). Rather than testing, he is defiant. Rather than resistant to sharing, he flat out grabs his toy back all the while screaming, "that's mine", and rather than selective hearing, Jack puts forth great effort in rationalizing his every action to me.
At Jack's ripe age of 4, my calm, patient reminders to be kind, listen, and follow directions are now said through clenched teeth with my fists tightened so hard that my knuckles are turning white and the words are now coming out as "you WILL be kind, you WILL listen, and you WILL follow directions. And if you can't do that, you WILL go to your room". This is followed by Jack's "mad face" (parents you know this one), arms crossed, eyes squinted, mouth pouting, and a few stomps of the feet into the next room.
Where is that sweet little boy from a year ago who just wanted to please his mommy?? Well, he is still in there, I am sure. As frustrating as this time in a child's life can be; when the child wants to pick out a new shirt because they don't like the one you laid out and all you want to do is get to the baseball field in time for T Ball, this is also a big "growing time". As I sit here tonight after a day of constant reminders to be kind, numerous time outs, tears, and a voice on the brink of yelling, I recognize that what might be going on is that my little boy just might be turning into a person. A person managing his way through the world; testing out voice tones, words, body movements, facial expressions; forming opinions, likes, dislikes; trying to fulfill a need for control and ownership of his own life. Wow. This is big. It's hard and painful at times, but on the other side, during the good parts of the day, I am having these lively conversations with my son, I am standing back while he swims like a fish around the pool, I am in the next room reading while he works on his Lego cars by himself. And I am thinking, "where did the time go?"
Parenting is crazy. It the hardest thing I've come up against, but also the greatest joy. My little boy is becoming his own person and that's really cool (sometimes). However, as we all live through these growing periods that can be physically and emotionally painful for our kids and ourselves, it's okay to lean on others for some support, in fact it's necessary. Call your friends, reminisce with your parents, chat with your child's teacher. Parents can relate. All parents experience feelings of anger, sadness, confusion, frustration, and at times are overwhelmed. None of us are alone in this. Call in your supports, it's okay. I did today and am going to bed a little more relaxed than if I hadn't reached out.
Have you had a day like this? Please share, we're all here for each other:)
My son, Jack (now 4) has been hearing me recite these three expectations since he was 2. "Jack, remember Mommy expects you to be kind, listen, and follow directions" I would say to him when I dropped him off at daycare, headed to a friend's house, or embarked on an outing. I could clearly see in my mind, a "pre-teen Jack" sitting in the back seat of the car as I drop him off for his first middle school dance, rolling his eyes, and grunting the words, "I know Mom; be kind, listen, and follow directions". I should consider myself so lucky if I truly believe he'd even mumble the word kind at that point in his life.
However, at Jack's age of 2, I decided to put to work a little "magic" I had learned in my training as educator/ counselor. I thought at the time, "I can handle the "terrible twos", it's all about positive discipline". That easy, right? So I went forth with great enthusiasm and developed my 3 main expectations for Jack that you can probably recite by now. Be Kind. Listen. Follow Directions. I prided myself in that Jack could recite these back to me and for a 2 year old, displayed these expectations rather consistently. "Wow! This whole parenting thing was a breeze"!!
Well, a 'breeze' until I learned 3 had become the new 2. A little testing here and there, a slight resistance to sharing, and a bit of selective hearing. I found myself still reciting, "be kind. listen. follow directions", however, there was a bit more urgency in my voice as I willed him with my eyes, voice, and facial expression to "do as I say". And if 3 is truly the new 2, Jack didn't do so bad. A little rough until he reached 3 1/2 and then he was acting like "the Jack I know, the one who is kind, listens, and follows directions" (another one of those "positive discipline" phrases).
Now we are at Jack, age 4. This seems to be the age of new found independence, a desire to make decisions, and an expectation that adults will do what you want when you want (kind of what we think our children should do). Rather than testing, he is defiant. Rather than resistant to sharing, he flat out grabs his toy back all the while screaming, "that's mine", and rather than selective hearing, Jack puts forth great effort in rationalizing his every action to me.
At Jack's ripe age of 4, my calm, patient reminders to be kind, listen, and follow directions are now said through clenched teeth with my fists tightened so hard that my knuckles are turning white and the words are now coming out as "you WILL be kind, you WILL listen, and you WILL follow directions. And if you can't do that, you WILL go to your room". This is followed by Jack's "mad face" (parents you know this one), arms crossed, eyes squinted, mouth pouting, and a few stomps of the feet into the next room.
Where is that sweet little boy from a year ago who just wanted to please his mommy?? Well, he is still in there, I am sure. As frustrating as this time in a child's life can be; when the child wants to pick out a new shirt because they don't like the one you laid out and all you want to do is get to the baseball field in time for T Ball, this is also a big "growing time". As I sit here tonight after a day of constant reminders to be kind, numerous time outs, tears, and a voice on the brink of yelling, I recognize that what might be going on is that my little boy just might be turning into a person. A person managing his way through the world; testing out voice tones, words, body movements, facial expressions; forming opinions, likes, dislikes; trying to fulfill a need for control and ownership of his own life. Wow. This is big. It's hard and painful at times, but on the other side, during the good parts of the day, I am having these lively conversations with my son, I am standing back while he swims like a fish around the pool, I am in the next room reading while he works on his Lego cars by himself. And I am thinking, "where did the time go?"
Parenting is crazy. It the hardest thing I've come up against, but also the greatest joy. My little boy is becoming his own person and that's really cool (sometimes). However, as we all live through these growing periods that can be physically and emotionally painful for our kids and ourselves, it's okay to lean on others for some support, in fact it's necessary. Call your friends, reminisce with your parents, chat with your child's teacher. Parents can relate. All parents experience feelings of anger, sadness, confusion, frustration, and at times are overwhelmed. None of us are alone in this. Call in your supports, it's okay. I did today and am going to bed a little more relaxed than if I hadn't reached out.
Have you had a day like this? Please share, we're all here for each other:)
yes yes yes this is very much a blog post I can relate to. My favorite power of mom's quote right now is "I may wish for a child who is perfectly obedient, respectful, kind and generous but if he was how would I grow? Parenthood is every bit about my personal growth and development as it is my child's
ReplyDeleteLove, Alicia