I Could Have Been A Victim, I Chose Not To Be

I'm currently reading "A Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl, Holocaust Survivor, Neurologist, and Psychiatrist.  Mr. Frankl is also founder of Logotherapy. Logotherapy is founded on the belief that "it is the striving to find a meaning in one's life that is the primary, most powerful motivating and driving force in humans". In his book, A Man's Search for Meaning, Frankl speaks to his experiences in concentration camps and the techniques he used to keep himself alive.  He believed it was his controlled thought process that made him a survivor rather than victim.  In his book he talks of humor as "one of the soul's weapons in the fight for self-preservation" (Frankl, 1992).  He refers to "conversations in his mind" with his wife, who unknowingly to him at the time had perished in another concentration camp. These "talks" and thoughts with and of his beloved were another motivating force for his survival.  Frankl argues that we as humans cannot avoid suffering, but we can "choose how we cope with it, find meaning in it, and move forward with renewed purpose".

We, as human beings, have or will suffer in our lives.  We'll suffer in different ways, some more, some less.  We are all human.  Take comfort in knowing you are not alone in your suffering.  You are, however, in complete control of how you cope with your suffering. I appreciate Frankl's philosophy that we are motivated by our journey towards finding meaning in our lives.  Like everyone else, like Frankl, I have suffered.  I certainly have not suffered to the degree of anyone who spent time in a concentration camp.  I can't even begin to fathom what that suffering was like.  But, I have suffered in mine.  During my times of the most suffering, I could have been a victim.  I was the recipient of hurtful words, of abandonment, of verbal threats.  I was a witness to destructive behavior, to self-inflicted danger, to the onset of mental illness. I was thrown into the midst of the break up of a bond, a marriage, a dream.  I was scared.  I was lonely.  I was sad. I was hurt. I was crushed.  I was drained of all I could give.

I could have fallen victim to my turmoil, to my situation.  I was close, I was on the edge, but I made a decision that has shaped my life since then. I could have been a victim, but I chose not to be.  Unknowlingly, I took Frankl's words and started to try to find meaning in my life.  At first, that came easy.  I'm a mother.  I have a son, a son who was barely a toddler when all went down.  A boy who needed love and needed care.  That I could do.  It is my goal to take care of this boy.  To love him, hold him, care for him, raise him.  Being Jack's mom was my first driving force and while that continues to be the primary driving force for my motivation to live a meaningful life, it doesn't end there.  It was only the beginning of the journey I am still on.

I continue on my path of meaning, one step at a time. I cultivate relationships with friends and family that are meaningful, loving, fun, and caring.  I have expanded my "family" to include so many.  I am surrounded by caring people.  I am loved and for that, I am grateful.  I have learned to be on my own, creating a home for Jack and I.  I can be alone with myself.  I can see myself through the ups and downs of life.  I can be alone with my thoughts.  I can sit with uncomfortable and/ or negative feelings because I have learned that those feelings are temporary, I won't always feel them, but they are part of what makes me alive.  I can add windshield wiper fluid to my car.  I can unclog drains. I can carry my 45 pound son up two flights of stairs and into his bed after falling asleep in the car.  I can find my way out of most sticky situations.  I have grown in a career that brings meaning to my life, in which I get to learn from others each and everyday.  I get to experience their ups and downs with them.  I get to make a difference in childrens' lives.  How awesome is that!  I eat healthy mostly.  I exercise.  I run:)  I take care of this body and mind because it's the only one I've got and I want it to last me a long time.

These things that I have brought into my life for meaning does not make me a superstar.  Like you, I am human.  Like you, I can make choices.  In my life,  I chose not to be the victim.  I took a real difficult situation and I learned from it.  I did the work and continue to do the work everyday to stay on this path of enlightenment, growth, and strength.  I recognize that I wouldn't be the person I am now had I not suffered. I've learned about me, about others, about life, and about experiences.  I am thankful for this.  My suffering did not end in catastrophe.  It could have ended badly, not only for me, but for others involved and it didn't.  The three people most affected in my suffering are striving to find meaning in their lives right now.  I continue to bring into my life positive experiences and positive people.  My son, Jack smiles and laughs every single day of his life.  He has learned to love.  His father has learned about his demons and has come to learn to manage them and also live a life of meaning.  He loves his son.

This post is not meant to create opportunity for judgement, concern, or negative feelings towards others involved.  It is also not meant for praise.  I don't deserve it.  I'm not doing anything "special".  I am simply making choices.  Choices to live my life for meaning.  It will be great somedays, it will be downright difficult and lonely on other days.  But this, my friends, is living.  As Pema Chodron would say, it's always "four steps forward, three steps back".  The important thing is choosing to move forward.  I encourage you to step into the New Year and take control of your life.  Embrace being human.  Accept the good and the bad.  Experience the suffering.  Learn from the suffering and decide whether or not to fall victim.  It is your choice.  If you choose to move forward, enjoy your journey.  Use humor!  Learn to laugh at yourself.  The more you do that, the more you will laugh with others and laughter brings joy.  

Happy New Year Friends!  Take this post and sit with these thoughts.  Read these words and take what you want from them.  Do not feel sorry for me.  Do not be angry with anyone mentioned here.  This blog is not for that.  This blog is a place for me to learn, grow, and share my journey in hopes that it helps others.  I apprecate all who have followed my blog that I began Spring 2013.  I hope you follow me into 2014 and share your ups and downs with us.  This blog is a safe space..  There is no judgement.  There is no hate.  It's just a place for us humans to relate:)

Remember to never underestimate the power of forgiveness and the gift of love.  This is my 2014 mantra.  Cheers!